Sold on Sumo

Over the past month, I have devoted all of my academic energy to understanding sumo. Considering that I speak little to no Japanese and that I will soon need to start preparing law school applications, some could argue that I’ve been wasting my time. After attending Day 9 of the Grand Sumo Tournament in Tokyo, I can tell you that if you haven’t been studying sumo for the past month, you’ve been wasting your time.

Before I go any further, I should probably say that I like my entertainment over-the-top. I like high-speed chases, human vs. zebra races, and pretty much anything involving Mike Tyson. But above all else, I love World Wrestling Entertainment. So if any of that bothers you, you may not find sumo as engaging as I do.

With that said, sumo is AWESOME. I was thoroughly entertained from the moment I got to the Kokugikan. Not only does the stadium look exactly like I expected a national sumo stadium to look, but the staff at the gate greeted me with the equivalent of a racing form (in English) and a sweet sumo file folder (This is a bigger deal than you might think. When I told my sumo story to my co-workers today, the free sumo file folder elicited the greatest reaction. I hate to make sweeping generalizations, but I think it’s safe to say that all Japanese people love file folders.)

Inside the sumo stadium, I gravitated to the merchandise booth. In retrospect, I’m glad that I didn’t bring my passport, because I probably would have tried to trade it straight up for a sumo set of fine china. Instead, I settled for a badass Hakuho keychain, a deck of official sumo playing cards, and a poster featuring all of the sumo competing in this month’s tournament.

Once we got to our seats, I was a little bit surprised by how many foreigners were in the crowd. If the country is 95% Japanese (which I’ve heard, but haven’t verified,) we were disproportionally represented in the cheap seats of the national sumo stadium. Did I feel like a little bit of a rube? Sure. I would have felt worse had I not seen the ultimate rube sitting in the section below us. Both he and his son were wearing full suits, making them the only people in the entire balcony in suits. It’s roughly the equivalent of a Japanese father and son rolling up to a football game in trucker hats, puffy vests, and Wrangler Jeans in an effort to fit in.

Anyway, we got there at the end of the Juryo (junior division) bouts. I definitely didn’t know any of these guys, but it was a good chance to get a feel for what sumo is all about. One thing that became immediately obvious is that none of these dudes is a regular fat guy. If defensive ends and left tackles are athletes, then so are these guys (in fact, if I ever own an NFL team, I’m going to raid the sumo ranks and create the greatest offensive and defensive lines of all-time.) The second thing that became abundantly clear is that if Vince McMahon ran sumo, it would become America’s fourth major sport. There are larger-than-life characters, genuine competition, elaborate entrances, and constantly reprising rivalries (the top sumo wrestle each other 6 times a year.) It makes NHL hockey look like MLS soccer.

The most spectacular moment of the day was the Yokozuna’s entrance. All of the Makuuchi (senior division) entered together, and then left the ring so that the Yokozuna could enter. He proceeded to do an awesome dance that involved two sidekicks, one of who had a sword. Honestly, if I knew as a kid that there was a profession out there in which you could have a sword-bearing sidekick, I would have never picked up a book.

The Makuuchi ended up being way more entertaining than the Juryo. Hakuho ended up winning with a clever throw, but his match definitely got upstaged by the Kotooshu vs. Takamisakari match:
Kotooshu is a Bulgarian guy that has taken sumo by storm in the past few years. He’s lean, he’s good-looking, and he is deferential to the traditions of sumo. Basically, he’s a kiss-ass that seems like he’s pretending to be Japanese.
In contrast, Takamisakari is the only sumo to remind me of a WWE Superstar. He interacted with the crowd on his way down the aisle; once he got in the ring, he made nothing but exaggerated movements, culminating in an Ultimate Warrior-like chest thumping; he antagonized Kotooshu during the lengthy pre-match showdown; he even managed to piss off my good-hearted Canadian friend with his antics. Sadly, Kotooshu got the better of a fierce match, ending with a throw that took down both guys. Either way, Takamisakari is definitely the best antagonist in sumo, and he, Hakuho, and Asashoryu (Yokozuna) were easily the most memorable performers.

I’m not sure how interesting my sumo experience is to anyone other than me. I do know that if I set aside the two weeks that Corinne was here, Monday was definitely the best day I’ve had in Japan. I also know that by the time the next sumo tournament rolls around in the spring, my Hakuho keychain and I will be more than ready.

I'm Gonna Live

Today, I received the results of the medical examination that I underwent last month. All Japanese companies are required to provide a yearly physical on-site to their employees. (As far as ideas that I would like to steal from Japan go, a nationalized yearly physical isn’t too high on the list, but it was pretty cool to see a bunch of doctors and nurses charge out of a huge van like they were a SWAT team.)

The physical itself was one of the better experiences I’ve had in Japan. My manager gave me a two-page form to fill out (all in Japanese,) and then stressed to me that everything I wrote would be confidential. Since I can’t read, she went over each question with me in front of all my co-workers and wrote down my answers for me, making it the least confidential Confidential Medical Exam ever:

“Do you smoke?”
“No.”
(writes in a box.)
“Do you drink alcohol?”
“Yes.”
(writes in a box.)
“How much?”
“Maybe 1-3 times a week.”
(writes in a box.)
“Do you do illegal drugs?”
“No.”
(Doesn’t write in a box. It’s rough being so illiterate that your manager thinks she can try to trick you into admitting a drug problem.)
“Do you, um, have girlfriend?”
“No.”

One thing that I learned from the Confidential Medical Exam is that the language barrier is a lot more imposing when your health is in question. I maintained a half-grimace/half-scowl throughout the entire process in an attempt to bluff my way into some respect from the medical staff. Even so, I managed to make a fool out of myself at least once:

I sort of know my numbers and my directions, so I agreed to take the vision test in Japanese (I had no options; none of the medical professionals administering the test spoke English.) He would call out a number, and I would say what direction the E was pointing. When I finished, I looked up and saw that he was shocked. I figured he was impressed by my fighter-pilot vision. Turns out, I missed every question. Damn.

Today, the results from the exam arrived, completely in Japanese. I ended up handing it to one of my co-workers and telling her to give me a thumbs-up if I was going to live. I thought it was a pretty good joke. She just took my envelope, read it, gave me a thumbs-up, and went on with her day. Damn.

A few random thoughts, since I don’t post very often:

--It shouldn’t take a month to write language into a contract addressing what should happen if the player gets indicted for perjury. Please retire, Barry Bonds.

--Steve Nash is going to win the MVP again this year, even though a Nash for Kobe trade would result in the Suns going 82-0 and the Lakers missing the playoffs.

--The Los Angeles Lakers are going to win the 2008 NBA Championship.

--I opened a giant beer bottle on the edge of my shelf last night, in what was easily the manliest moment of my life. Sadly, I was by myself, which made the moment hollow and mildly depressing. Now that I have some perspective, I’m back to being proud of myself.

--In my Mommy and Me class this afternoon, I was teaching “smile.” I showed Ryouma the card, said “Smile!” and he responded by picking his nose.

--I’m going to the Grand Sumo tournament on Monday. I’ve been researching pretty thoroughly, and I think that Hakuho is my favorite sumo. He’s a 21-year-old Mongolian. Considering that my only experiences with Mongolians involve Ghengis Khan Mongolian BBQ on Brookhurst, I’m confident that he will become the greatest sumo of all-time, as long as he continues to eat only the finest frozen meats.