I'm Gonna Live

Today, I received the results of the medical examination that I underwent last month. All Japanese companies are required to provide a yearly physical on-site to their employees. (As far as ideas that I would like to steal from Japan go, a nationalized yearly physical isn’t too high on the list, but it was pretty cool to see a bunch of doctors and nurses charge out of a huge van like they were a SWAT team.)

The physical itself was one of the better experiences I’ve had in Japan. My manager gave me a two-page form to fill out (all in Japanese,) and then stressed to me that everything I wrote would be confidential. Since I can’t read, she went over each question with me in front of all my co-workers and wrote down my answers for me, making it the least confidential Confidential Medical Exam ever:

“Do you smoke?”
“No.”
(writes in a box.)
“Do you drink alcohol?”
“Yes.”
(writes in a box.)
“How much?”
“Maybe 1-3 times a week.”
(writes in a box.)
“Do you do illegal drugs?”
“No.”
(Doesn’t write in a box. It’s rough being so illiterate that your manager thinks she can try to trick you into admitting a drug problem.)
“Do you, um, have girlfriend?”
“No.”

One thing that I learned from the Confidential Medical Exam is that the language barrier is a lot more imposing when your health is in question. I maintained a half-grimace/half-scowl throughout the entire process in an attempt to bluff my way into some respect from the medical staff. Even so, I managed to make a fool out of myself at least once:

I sort of know my numbers and my directions, so I agreed to take the vision test in Japanese (I had no options; none of the medical professionals administering the test spoke English.) He would call out a number, and I would say what direction the E was pointing. When I finished, I looked up and saw that he was shocked. I figured he was impressed by my fighter-pilot vision. Turns out, I missed every question. Damn.

Today, the results from the exam arrived, completely in Japanese. I ended up handing it to one of my co-workers and telling her to give me a thumbs-up if I was going to live. I thought it was a pretty good joke. She just took my envelope, read it, gave me a thumbs-up, and went on with her day. Damn.

A few random thoughts, since I don’t post very often:

--It shouldn’t take a month to write language into a contract addressing what should happen if the player gets indicted for perjury. Please retire, Barry Bonds.

--Steve Nash is going to win the MVP again this year, even though a Nash for Kobe trade would result in the Suns going 82-0 and the Lakers missing the playoffs.

--The Los Angeles Lakers are going to win the 2008 NBA Championship.

--I opened a giant beer bottle on the edge of my shelf last night, in what was easily the manliest moment of my life. Sadly, I was by myself, which made the moment hollow and mildly depressing. Now that I have some perspective, I’m back to being proud of myself.

--In my Mommy and Me class this afternoon, I was teaching “smile.” I showed Ryouma the card, said “Smile!” and he responded by picking his nose.

--I’m going to the Grand Sumo tournament on Monday. I’ve been researching pretty thoroughly, and I think that Hakuho is my favorite sumo. He’s a 21-year-old Mongolian. Considering that my only experiences with Mongolians involve Ghengis Khan Mongolian BBQ on Brookhurst, I’m confident that he will become the greatest sumo of all-time, as long as he continues to eat only the finest frozen meats.