Brad Penny, Rick James, and a Violent Baby

I woke up early this morning to watch (and by watch, I mean read on mlb.com Gameday) Game One of the Dodgers-Mets series (first pitch-5 AM.) I knew that it was a gamble: If the Dodgers won, I would be ecstatic for the rest of the day; If they lost, I would be pissed about not only the loss but the sleep lost in order to watch the loss. Imagine my horror as I read “Pitching Change: Now in the game for the Dodgers--Brad Penny.” Let’s put it this way: I went to work pissed off.

(There’s also an outside chance that I’m not welcome back at the Toyoko-Inn. I go there for its reliable internet connection and friendly staff, but I may have burned some bridges with my lengthy, F-Bomb ridden tirade on Brad Fucking Penny at 7 AM.)

So my day didn’t get off to an auspicious start. Unfortunately, I didn’t get much of a reprieve at work. I had my first Baby Class today. Now, I should have thought about this beforehand, but I didn’t realize until my student showed up that, well, she’s a baby. Twenty months old, few actual words, always doing a crazy run-walk-crawl, baby. As I should have expected, my lesson consisted of me singing, dancing, running, flying, and basically making a fool of myself. Meanwhile, Baby was launching an all-out assault on her mom. Since I’ve been here, I’ve seen children get away with crazier stuff than I ever thought possible. One kid walked up to his mom, got six inches from her face, and screamed as loud as he could. Another did a Rick James impression in the lobby, doing everything but yelling “FUCK YO’ COUCH!” as his mom serenely looked on. But nothing prepared me for this outburst. It started with punches to the shoulders, escalated to running clotheslines, and culminated in a devastating head-butt to the chin that put Mom on her back. Seriously. I wish I were making this up. Once Mom was down, Baby started running circles around her like she was about to perform a religious sacrifice. At this point, I realized three things: I was a little bit afraid of this child; teaching babies a foreign language is a complete waste of time; and if Brad Penny hadn’t ruined my day, this would have been one of the funniest things I had ever seen.
I had pretty much convinced myself that I hated teaching at this point. But as we were leaving, Baby spoke her first English words: “Goodbye! See You!” The lobby broke out into applause. I am the best teacher in the world.

And Fuck You, Brad Penny.